Human emotions are a very strange animal. I find it completely crazy that a person can go from a state of euphoria to a blubbering mess in less than two seconds. But it happens. And today, it happened to me.
It has been almost 4 years since the last time I saw you. I remember every detail of that last night so vividly. For a long time, I blamed Matt for your death. If I wasn't blaming him, I was blaming myself. There were even times that I blamed anyone that had been there that night. I know that is foolish, but I couldn't help it. You were like a brother to me. I remember never leaving a place that you were at without making absolutely sure that you had a safe way home. Or making you promise that you were staying put.
That night, I didn't. When a friend called me the next morning to find out what had happened to you, I had no clue! I remember my first thought being that you had gotten a DUI. If only that had been what had happened! While we waited outside the hospital I knew that my prayers were futile. It already felt like you had left the world. And then the look on Matt's face. He couldn't even say the words. But I knew. I already knew.
The next few months were a blur. Finally, finally, happiness found its way back into my life. Matt and I decided we wanted to have kids. I remember you getting so mad at us when we had told you that we were never having kids. I wish more than anything you would have been here when I found out I was pregnant. I can almost hear you saying "I told you so."
I took Piper to your grave right after she was born. I wanted you to see my little choo choo. And the crazy thing is, I think you did. And I honestly believe that Piper saw you too. While at S&B's house, before she could even really talk, she pointed to your picture and said your name. She had never seen a picture of you before.
Today, almost 4 years later, we passed a vehicle that looked like one you used to drive. I told Matt that I wish you were alive. I haven't cried because of the loss for you in a very long time. But today, I have made up for it. So, if time heals all wounds, how long does it take?