Saturday, August 7, 2010

Time heals all wounds...

Human emotions are a very strange animal.  I find it completely crazy that a person can go from a state of euphoria to a blubbering mess in less than two seconds.  But it happens.  And today, it happened to me.

It has been almost 4 years since the last time I saw you.  I remember every detail of that last night so vividly.  For a long time, I blamed Matt for your death.  If I wasn't blaming him, I was blaming myself.  There were even times that I blamed anyone that had been there that night.  I know that is foolish, but I couldn't help it.  You were like a brother to me.  I remember never leaving a place that you were at without making absolutely sure that you had a safe way home.  Or making you promise that you were staying put.

That night, I didn't.  When a friend called me the next morning to find out what had happened to you, I had no clue!  I remember my first thought being that you had gotten a DUI.  If only that had been what had happened!  While we waited outside the hospital I knew that my prayers were futile.  It already felt like you had left the world.  And then the look on Matt's face.  He couldn't even say the words.  But I knew.  I already knew.

The next few months were a blur.  Finally, finally, happiness found its way back into my life.   Matt and I decided we wanted to have kids.  I remember you getting so mad at us when we had told you that we were never having kids.  I wish more than anything you would have been here when I found out I was pregnant.  I can almost hear you saying "I told you so."

I took Piper to your grave right after she was born.  I wanted you to see my little choo choo.  And the crazy thing is, I think you did.  And I honestly believe that Piper saw you too.  While at S&B's house, before she could even really talk, she pointed to your picture and said your name.  She had never seen a picture of you before.

Today, almost 4 years later, we passed a vehicle that looked like one you used to drive.  I told Matt that I wish you were alive.  I haven't cried because of the loss for you in a very long time.  But today, I have made up for it.  So, if time heals all wounds, how long does it take?


  1. I think everyone there that night blamed themselves. I know I did. I think about him all the time.

  2. Sending prayers of comfort your way. I don't think time heals wounds. I just think over time we learn to deal with our losses better. We cope, we don't heal.

  3. You're right, @hcioban. I guess if you bury the something far enough in the back of your mind it hardly ever bothers you. But, eventually it has to surface.
    Much better today, though!

  4. I truly think that during different times in our lives those feelings of loss surface for those we love and who have passed on. Granted they hit less and less frequently, but I believe they will always be there to some extent and some lesser frequency. Anyways that's the way it's been for me and the ones I've lost in my life.
    It will take awhile for this more generated sense of loss to lessen, but with each time it comes back to the forefront of your life, I think it takes less time for it to once again go into the background where we are less aware of it for a time.

  5. I miss him too and I also blamed myself. Stacey